The scene: a cold, empty meeting room in parliament. Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe and Michael Ignatieff are gathered around a slab bearing a lifeless form.
Layton: Ever since Prime Minister Harper insulted him, he has been incensed.
Duceppe: Why'd you say that name? You promised me you would never say that name! I spit when I hear that name. No wait, that's 'referendum'.
Layton: What name, Harper?
Duceppe: Aahaahh!
Layton: [taunting] Harper! Harper! Harper!
Duceppe: [covers ears] I'm not listening! [Examines lifeless body of coalition] I've seen worse. This coalition probably owes you, huh? I'll ask.
Ignatieff: It's dead. There's no talk.
Duceppe: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your coalition here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.
Ignatieff: What's that?
Duceppe: Go to the grassroots and beg for loose change.
Ignatieff: But this is democracy's last hope - If you save it, it will stop Harper's government.
Duceppe: Sonny, democracy is the greatest thing, in the world - except for a nice tourtiere, maybe with a side of poutine. [smacks his lips]
Duceppe: Wait. Wait. I support this coalition, Harper suffers?
Ignatieff: Humiliations galore!
Duceppe: That is a noble cause. Show me the media, I'm on the job.
[Duceppe makes an impassioned speech to the media, miraculously reinvigorating the coalition]
Layton: What's taking so long? Why do we have to wait for Flaherty to read the budget?
Duceppe: You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
[Enter Doug Finley and Stephen Harper]
Harper: You truly support each other and so you might have been truly democratic. Not one coalition in a century has that chance, no matter what the history books say; if they did I'd re-write them anyway. And so I think none in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.
[Doug Finley cranks up The Machine, but it backfires causing much bad PR for the Conservatives.]
Duceppe: [to coalition] Have fun stormin' parliament.
Layton: Think it'll work?
Duceppe: It would take a miracle.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A summary of sorts
Here are some other blogs I've been reading, that are more or less aligned with my own opinion.Props to Buckdog for the great photo.
The Conservatives (at least under Mr. Harper) relentlessly game and spin. The opposition must prepare their defenses against this. Remember: (IMHO)
- How did this mess start? Unnecessary partisan games instead of economic action.
- Who started it? Apparently, Mr. Harper more so than other Conservatives.
- Depending on the response (e.g. assuming we hear a budget in January), Conservatives might have to share some credit for spending, and the opposition share some blame for a portion of the deficit (say, that part which exceeds the Liberal mandated surplus of $3B/yr.).
I fear the historical pattern of divide-and-conquer will design the January budget to pit Liberal, NDP and BQ against each other. For example, the budget could be acceptable to Ignatieff, but not to Layton or Duceppe. The Liberals could abstain and allow the budget to pass and (maybe) avoid taking any blame for it, while still taking credit for forcing the Conservatives to act.
Also, I think I have at least enough material for a part 3 and possibly part 4 of The Coalition Bride. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Coalition Bride, part 3
The scene: a dark, dank dungeon under the Langevin Block. Michael Ignatieff has been invited to meet with the Prime Minister.
Michael Ignatieff: Where am I?
Tony Clement: [raspy voice] The Pit of Despair! Don't even think... [clears throat]... don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick, as is the rhetoric. Don't dream of being rescued, either; the only way in is secret. Only the Prime Minister, Doug Finley and I know how to get in and out.
Ignatieff: So I'm here till I die?
Clement: Until they kill you, yeah.
Ignatieff: Then why bother meeting with me?
Clement: Well, the Prince and Count always insist on everyone being given democratic choice before they're broken.
Ignatieff: So it's to be torture?
Clement: [nods enthusiastically]
Ignatieff: I can cope with torture. I know all about torture.
Clement: [shakes head enthusiastically]
Ignatieff: Don't believe me?
Clement: You survived the leadership race, so you must be very brave, but no one withstands The Machine.
Doug Finley appears.
Finley: Sorry I was delayed, I had to finish some correspondence. [admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being your first session, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Finley activates the spin powered torture machine. Ignatieff writhes in great pain]
Finley: [calmly] As you know, the concept of the rumor mill is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of milling rumors, I'm milling truth. Conservative truth. I've just milled one year of your career away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
[Ignatieff cries and moans in pain]
Finley: Interesting.
Michael Ignatieff: Where am I?
Tony Clement: [raspy voice] The Pit of Despair! Don't even think... [clears throat]... don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick, as is the rhetoric. Don't dream of being rescued, either; the only way in is secret. Only the Prime Minister, Doug Finley and I know how to get in and out.
Ignatieff: So I'm here till I die?
Clement: Until they kill you, yeah.
Ignatieff: Then why bother meeting with me?
Clement: Well, the Prince and Count always insist on everyone being given democratic choice before they're broken.
Ignatieff: So it's to be torture?
Clement: [nods enthusiastically]
Ignatieff: I can cope with torture. I know all about torture.
Clement: [shakes head enthusiastically]
Ignatieff: Don't believe me?
Clement: You survived the leadership race, so you must be very brave, but no one withstands The Machine.
Doug Finley appears.
Finley: Sorry I was delayed, I had to finish some correspondence. [admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being your first session, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Finley activates the spin powered torture machine. Ignatieff writhes in great pain]
Finley: [calmly] As you know, the concept of the rumor mill is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of milling rumors, I'm milling truth. Conservative truth. I've just milled one year of your career away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
[Ignatieff cries and moans in pain]
Finley: Interesting.
Monday, December 8, 2008
The Coalition Bride, part 1
The scene: outdoors on a lonely deserted tarmac.
Flaherty: "You never said anything about destroying anyone."
Harper: "I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition."
Flaherty: "I just don't think it's right, destroying the opposition parties."
Harper: "Am I going MAD, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass."
Giorno: "I agree with Flaherty."
Harper to Giorno: "Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to them is not truly your concern. I will destroy them. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy Brandy!"
Harper to Flaherty: "And you: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Ontario!"
Harper: "First we use the confidence motion of the economic update to strip them of their financing. They wouldn't dare defeat the government."
Flaherty: "But Dion has introduced his own motion of no confidence scheduled for Monday."
Harper: "INCONCEIVABLE! Oh, no matter. We'll win a majority in the election."
Giorno: "But there won't be any election. The Liberals and NDP have formed a coalition, and the BQ have agreed not to defeat it for 18 months."
Harper: "INCONCEIVABLE! That's undemocratic! That's unconstitutional! The people elected us!"
Flaherty: "They're right on top of us. I wonder if they are using the same constitution we are using."
Harper: "The governor general wouldn't allow a coalition without a leader, the Liberals wouldn't stand for an NDP PM and their leadership convention isn't until May. Jean must call for an election."
Giorno: "Dion would lead the coalition until they choose a new leader. And constitutional tradition demands that the GG allow the coalition if the government falls in its first sitting."
Harper: "INCONCEIVABLE!"
Giorno: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Flaherty: "You never said anything about destroying anyone."
Harper: "I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition."
Flaherty: "I just don't think it's right, destroying the opposition parties."
Harper: "Am I going MAD, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass."
Giorno: "I agree with Flaherty."
Harper to Giorno: "Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to them is not truly your concern. I will destroy them. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy Brandy!"
Harper to Flaherty: "And you: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Ontario!"
Harper: "First we use the confidence motion of the economic update to strip them of their financing. They wouldn't dare defeat the government."
Flaherty: "But Dion has introduced his own motion of no confidence scheduled for Monday."
Harper: "INCONCEIVABLE! Oh, no matter. We'll win a majority in the election."
Giorno: "But there won't be any election. The Liberals and NDP have formed a coalition, and the BQ have agreed not to defeat it for 18 months."
Harper: "INCONCEIVABLE! That's undemocratic! That's unconstitutional! The people elected us!"
Flaherty: "They're right on top of us. I wonder if they are using the same constitution we are using."
Harper: "The governor general wouldn't allow a coalition without a leader, the Liberals wouldn't stand for an NDP PM and their leadership convention isn't until May. Jean must call for an election."
Giorno: "Dion would lead the coalition until they choose a new leader. And constitutional tradition demands that the GG allow the coalition if the government falls in its first sitting."
Harper: "INCONCEIVABLE!"
Giorno: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
The Coalition Bride, part 2
The scene: 24 Sussex Drive. Harper has granted an audience to Dion for discussion of the current crisis. The PM is holding a knife to a blindfolded Governor General.
Harper: "So. It is down to you and it is down to me."
Dion: "You are beaten! Give up and accept defeat now. C'est la guerre."
Harper: "Hardly. We're at an impasse. I can't overpower your coalition, and you're no match for my brains."
Dion: "You're that smart?"
Harper: "Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Mulroney, Diefenbaker, MacDonald?"
Dion: "Oui."
Harper: "Morons."
Dion: "This is too much for the Canadian people. I propose a battle of wits to the death."
Harper: "I accept."
Dion pours two glasses of wine, and hides them behind himself.
Dion: "I pour poisson into one of the wine. I mean poison. Can we start over? Where is the poison? The battle of wits is began. It ends when you decide and we drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead."
Harper: "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Dion: "You make your decision then?"
Harper: "Not remotely. Because iocane poison comes from Australia, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
Dion: "I'm sure you're familiar with Australia, from your speeches."
Harper: "Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?"
Dion: "Australia."
Harper: "Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Dion: "You're just stalling now. Prorogation just delays the inevitable."
Harper: "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've stood up to my partisan economic update, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also proposed a coalition, which means you must have studied the constitution, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Dion: "You try to trick me to give away something. It won't work."
Harper: "IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!"
Dion: "Then make your choice."
Harper: "I will, and I choose - Is that Chantal Hebert?" While Dion is distracted and looks away, Harper switches goblets.
Dion: "What? Where? I don't see nothing."
Harper: "Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours." Both drink their wine.
Dion: "You guess wrong."
Harper: "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to two of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Afganistan, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Conservative when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..." Harper falls over, dead. Dion removes Jean's blindfold.
Jean: "And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned."
Dion: "I poison them both. I'm dead anyway." Dion falls over dead.
Harper: "So. It is down to you and it is down to me."
Dion: "You are beaten! Give up and accept defeat now. C'est la guerre."
Harper: "Hardly. We're at an impasse. I can't overpower your coalition, and you're no match for my brains."
Dion: "You're that smart?"
Harper: "Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Mulroney, Diefenbaker, MacDonald?"
Dion: "Oui."
Harper: "Morons."
Dion: "This is too much for the Canadian people. I propose a battle of wits to the death."
Harper: "I accept."
Dion pours two glasses of wine, and hides them behind himself.
Dion: "I pour poisson into one of the wine. I mean poison. Can we start over? Where is the poison? The battle of wits is began. It ends when you decide and we drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead."
Harper: "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Dion: "You make your decision then?"
Harper: "Not remotely. Because iocane poison comes from Australia, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
Dion: "I'm sure you're familiar with Australia, from your speeches."
Harper: "Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?"
Dion: "Australia."
Harper: "Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Dion: "You're just stalling now. Prorogation just delays the inevitable."
Harper: "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've stood up to my partisan economic update, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also proposed a coalition, which means you must have studied the constitution, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Dion: "You try to trick me to give away something. It won't work."
Harper: "IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!"
Dion: "Then make your choice."
Harper: "I will, and I choose - Is that Chantal Hebert?" While Dion is distracted and looks away, Harper switches goblets.
Dion: "What? Where? I don't see nothing."
Harper: "Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours." Both drink their wine.
Dion: "You guess wrong."
Harper: "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to two of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Afganistan, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Conservative when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..." Harper falls over, dead. Dion removes Jean's blindfold.
Jean: "And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned."
Dion: "I poison them both. I'm dead anyway." Dion falls over dead.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
And then there were two...
The CBC reports that Dominic LeBlanc will throw his support behind Ignatieff. That would leave a 2-person race: Ignatieff and Rae. In that case, would a convention be necessary? There would only be 1 round of voting, which could be done quite quickly, albeit over the holidays. It would both democratic and timely.
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