Monday, December 8, 2008

The Coalition Bride, part 2

The scene: 24 Sussex Drive. Harper has granted an audience to Dion for discussion of the current crisis. The PM is holding a knife to a blindfolded Governor General.

Harper: "So. It is down to you and it is down to me."

Dion: "You are beaten! Give up and accept defeat now. C'est la guerre."

Harper: "Hardly. We're at an impasse. I can't overpower your coalition, and you're no match for my brains."

Dion: "You're that smart?"

Harper: "Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Mulroney, Diefenbaker, MacDonald?"

Dion: "Oui."

Harper: "Morons."

Dion: "This is too much for the Canadian people. I propose a battle of wits to the death."

Harper: "I accept."

Dion pours two glasses of wine, and hides them behind himself.

Dion: "I pour poisson into one of the wine. I mean poison. Can we start over? Where is the poison? The battle of wits is began. It ends when you decide and we drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead."

Harper: "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

Dion: "You make your decision then?"

Harper: "Not remotely. Because iocane poison comes from Australia, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

Dion: "I'm sure you're familiar with Australia, from your speeches."

Harper: "Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?"

Dion: "Australia."

Harper: "Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

Dion: "You're just stalling now. Prorogation just delays the inevitable."

Harper: "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've stood up to my partisan economic update, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also proposed a coalition, which means you must have studied the constitution, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

Dion: "You try to trick me to give away something. It won't work."


Dion: "Then make your choice."

Harper: "I will, and I choose - Is that Chantal Hebert?" While Dion is distracted and looks away, Harper switches goblets.

Dion: "What? Where? I don't see nothing."

Harper: "Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours." Both drink their wine.

Dion: "You guess wrong."

Harper: "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to two of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Afganistan, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Conservative when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..." Harper falls over, dead. Dion removes Jean's blindfold.

Jean: "And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned."

Dion: "I poison them both. I'm dead anyway." Dion falls over dead.

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