Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Coalition Bride, part 4

The scene: a cold, empty meeting room in parliament. Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe and Michael Ignatieff are gathered around a slab bearing a lifeless form.

Layton: Ever since Prime Minister Harper insulted him, he has been incensed.

Duceppe: Why'd you say that name? You promised me you would never say that name! I spit when I hear that name. No wait, that's 'referendum'.

Layton: What name, Harper?

Duceppe: Aahaahh!

Layton: [taunting] Harper! Harper! Harper!

Duceppe: [covers ears] I'm not listening! [Examines lifeless body of coalition] I've seen worse. This coalition probably owes you, huh? I'll ask.

Ignatieff: It's dead. There's no talk.

Duceppe: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your coalition here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.

Ignatieff: What's that?

Duceppe: Go to the grassroots and beg for loose change.

Ignatieff: But this is democracy's last hope - If you save it, it will stop Harper's government.

Duceppe: Sonny, democracy is the greatest thing, in the world - except for a nice tourtiere, maybe with a side of poutine. [smacks his lips]

Duceppe: Wait. Wait. I support this coalition, Harper suffers?

Ignatieff: Humiliations galore!

Duceppe: That is a noble cause. Show me the media, I'm on the job.

[Duceppe makes an impassioned speech to the media, miraculously reinvigorating the coalition]

Layton: What's taking so long? Why do we have to wait for Flaherty to read the budget?

Duceppe: You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

[Enter Doug Finley and Stephen Harper]

Harper: You truly support each other and so you might have been truly democratic. Not one coalition in a century has that chance, no matter what the history books say; if they did I'd re-write them anyway. And so I think none in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.

[Doug Finley cranks up The Machine, but it backfires causing much bad PR for the Conservatives.]

Duceppe: [to coalition] Have fun stormin' parliament.

Layton: Think it'll work?

Duceppe: It would take a miracle.

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