Monday, December 15, 2008

A Stephen Harper Christmas

The cast: Stephen Harper as Charlie Brown, Michael Ignatieff as Linus van Pelt, Gilles Duceppe as Lucy van Pelt, and Jack Layton as Sally Brown.

The scene: parliament lobby, just after the prorogation. The lobby is well decorated for Christmas.

Harper: [Yells into Commons chamber] Hello in there. [his voice echoes in an empty chamber] Rats. Nobody sent me a majority. I almost wish there weren't elections. I know nobody wants a Conservative majority. Why do we have to have elections to emphasize it?

Iggy: Stephen Harper, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Duceppe's right. Of all the Stephen Harpers in the world, you're the Stephen Harper-est.

Layton: I've been looking for you, Mr. Prime Minister. Will you please write a letter to Michael Ignatieff for me?

Harper: Well, I don't have much time. I'm supposed to cancel a Christmas party.

Layton: [dictating her letter to Ignatieff as Harper writes it for him] Dear Mr. Ignatieff, How have you been? Did you have a nice election?

[Harper looks at him]

Layton: How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want.

Harper: Oh brother.

Layton: Please note the department and position of each cabinet office, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about canceling the $50 billion in business tax cuts?

Harper: $50 billion? Oh, even the NDP!

Layton: All I want is what I... I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

Duceppe to Harper: I know how you feel about Noël, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid books or a portrait or wine or something like that.

Harper: What is it you want?

Duceppe: Sovereign real estate.

Harper: I guess you were right, Iggy. I shouldn't have picked this economic update for partisan tactics. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what democracy is all about. [shouting in desperation] Isn't there anyone who knows what democracy is all about?

Iggy: Sure, Stephen Harper, I can tell you what democracy is all about. Lights, please. [a spotlight shines on him] "If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in government to the utmost." [ - quoted from Aristotle. Iggy picks up his blanket and walks back towards Harper] That's what democracy is all about, Stephen Harper.

Duceppe: Harper is a partisan bastard, definitely not a Bloq-head. Tous ensemble, together we can fix this document.

Iggy: Maybe we could live with this economic update. Maybe it just needs a little love.

Everyone gathers around the scrawny little document, and contributes something: suggestions for infrastructure spending, stimulus measures, tax breaks and employment insurance changes. Now the economic update shines, and brims with the spirit of co-operation in a minority parliament.

Harper looks at the proposed budget, and is humbled. Then he realizes he can take credit for the spending, and blame the opposition for any resulting deficit. A warm feeling melts over him, and the spirit of giving [18 senate seats] shines through.

All: Merry Christmas, Stephen Harper! [all sing Oh, Canada!]

1 comment:

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